Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
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Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”