Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.

If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS

What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?

An investigator.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

A short story about romance.

My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be