Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”

NO ONE TELL HER

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

Feels like there should be a middle ground

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.

Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam

Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….

wife: omg what are you doing?

me: wrapping presents

wife:

me:

wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.