Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
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Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
how high up are we talkin’?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft