Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio

Till the neighbors start to mow

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.

*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*

Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]

Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

Overheard:

“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times

A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?