I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
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gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Election Day is on a Tuesday because our government cannot compete with Monday Night Football
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
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Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it