Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
You Might Also Like
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked