Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

these two trucks have the same bed length

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her:

On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.

[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

yeah not falling for this one

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

me: omg goth bath bombs

santa: that’s charcoal

imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

[counseling]

She gets angry a lot

“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”

YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?

Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?

Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs

Customer: We are never coming back!

Me: Promise?

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

All excellent questions

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die