How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
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therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
But that’s none of my business
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I caught my 3yo singing “And a partridge in a pantry”
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.