I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
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My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
notice
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Thursday
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
good work, everybody
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.