Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.

my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.

my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”

WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”

DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”

Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

I just got arrested for felonious mopery

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Vampire walks into a grocery store and asks for a loaf of bread. The clerk looks at him and asks: “Why bread?” The vampire says: “There’s a huge car crash at the intersection. I want to dip.’

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.

Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.

If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.

[happy hour with friends discussing politics]

me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.

alcohol: wanna bet.