Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

Previously On Persistence 😎

I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

9-1-1 what’s ur emergency

“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.

I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?

A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

Me: Can I leave work early?

Boss: Only if you make up the time

Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60

me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.

doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.