Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
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[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
it’s not been my year
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
This took me a second..
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back