My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
You Might Also Like
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Just why bro?!
