“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
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You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
asked my bf how work was today
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My dad is at it again
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?