It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
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Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
c’mon!
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*