Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
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A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
hmmm
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold