Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
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“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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Expectations vs. Reality
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Wake me when AI does housework
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA