Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck

[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…

So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?

Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.

Me: There is now.

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.

“Your parcel is out for delivery.”

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas

Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥