Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??

Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

[first day as police sketch artist]

“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.

new record!

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

(more comics:

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene

crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think