Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Jail
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
aura
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Buying a well is money well spent.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.