Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …

My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

#MeanwhileInCanada

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.