I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Have kids, they said
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
are there any atheist mantises?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
This is hilarious….
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My love language is deader than Latin
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?