Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Hoping for an open bar at the toddler birthday, but I have cash just in case.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.