Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.

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The Chosen Phew

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

sure, why not

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

I was working in the yard.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.

I hit it with a shovel.

I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead

Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.

3yo: *ear-shattering screams*

Me: Good point. How many do you want?

One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.

Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

me: good morning, Linda

Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Me: *scrunches my face*

13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.

Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.

I notice you only call when you want something

Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.

me:

me: nooks and crannies?

him: it’s a kind of candy.

me: whew

Did you guys know that protons have mass?

I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

*Boyfriend gets in bed*

Him: Wanna fool around?

Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.

Brushing my daughter’s hair

Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes