Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”

Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~

*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*

Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”

Client: “Oh I don’t have one”

Me *blinking intensely*

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

Not helping

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

<gets on elevator >

Pushes all the buttons

Hugs everyone

Prays out loud that we’re not going to die

Gets off at the 2nd floor

Laughs

Me: I don’t think I like it here

Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

doctor: your wife is not responding

husband: is she mad at you

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.