I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
You Might Also Like
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Rather alarming headline…
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it