Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a chemistry convention]

Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”

Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off

excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs

[1983]

FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!

ME: Hahaha, cool!

[just now]

ME: OH SHIT BILLY

For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

Yard reviews

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”

It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one