Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
You Might Also Like
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Why soy sad?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS