Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

*jingles half the way*

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

Thanks to a fan for this one.

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.

Dear parents,

Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.