99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My 7yo told me that her friend Michael said the S-word. When I asked which Michael she replied with, “not Michael Jordan.” Ah, okay, it must be the Michael from school.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …