Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency

the highest guy you have ever seen: yes

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs