Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

Overheard This Weekend

Boy: Babe comes over to my place.

Gal: what do you want us to do?

Boy: Just to chill

Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.

I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD

Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.

When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.