in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
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[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.