Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.

🤣😂🤣😂

just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

◾️

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.