ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
You Might Also Like
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Girl, same.
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.