R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.