It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
man: wait
time: no
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
This is hilarious
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please