I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..