Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
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Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽♀️
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.