Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

Went on a whale watch today and my husband got up at 6am singing a song he made up to the tune of “You’re the One that I Want” from Grease but it was “You’re the Whale that I Watch.” Should I move out

WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work

ME: Ok

[later]

ME: You wanted to see me?

BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID