Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?

a badder mouse

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…

My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

[Company Christmas luncheon]

Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?

Me: Ugly sweater contest?

sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.

Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.

I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN