I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
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Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Kay’s emergency department tape rule:
If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.
If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I am a gravy boat captain
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
I don’t know how to explain it, but sometimes cheese just falls into my cart at the grocery store.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”