“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
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I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”