You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
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Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
The legends were true
