Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

War & Peace

It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

Me: I love the 90s!

Grandparents: we have names

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

DATE: I want someone who can cook

ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

[leaning over bathroom sink]

Me: *clips fingernail*

Fingernail: *lands in Italy*

Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”

It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.

Child: Turkey pancakes?!

Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.

Wife: I told you the bird was too big

How many pieces of chocolate is too many? Please say upwards of 27.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids