Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it

*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

the answer was staring at me all along

“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”

If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.

Which demographic buys the most barbies?

Australian fathers

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat

Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?

Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer

…and send

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”

<person doesn’t move an inch>

“Thanks”

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.