me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
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If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Dear Aliens,
Now would be a good time.
Thanks!
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!