It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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I was called charming yesterday and I will not stand idly by for these bullshit accusations.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Dry Turkey isn’t the problem, you need to make more saliva.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.