My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.
Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
what’s really going on
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.