Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.

There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo

Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.

It’s the new Audi Torium.

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means

(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)

Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

Happy weekend !