Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”

me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

so much to do

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME

I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

[ Mt. Everest camp ]

First climber: hey where’s your buddy?

Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???

[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer